Hilary Swank: 'Media Whore of the Week' Award & the Tea Room Fan Club

photo:fashiowiredaily.com

Here's our girl Hilary Swank with Mick Jagger and Harry Connick Jr. in London for the launch of Guerlain's new perfume, Insolence. The face of the new perfume is none other than Hilary herself, and we are once again so pleased with her complete Media Whore transformation. Note the long flowing hair, great smile, corseted Dolce & Gabbana dress and Jimmy Choo accessories.

The Tea Room is mildly ashamed that we once used the terms 'butch' and 'butter' (as in, great body - but 'er face...) to describe La Swank. Today, Hilary, we lavish praise on your magnificent being & dub you Media Whore of The Week!

MILAN WRAP-UP: WHAT WAS HOT

photo credits: FirstView/FirstView/FirstView/Giuseppe Cacace


Emporio Armani's transparent man-trap (top left) could be this spring's Media Whore Moment. Think Liz Hurley in the safety-pin dress. She who dares to wear may see her career skyrocket overnight...

Our faaaaaaavorite collection in Milan was DSquared. This white trapeze mini dress (top right) outfitted with chain and crystal embellishments gets us very excited about next spring. There are few among us who can dare to wear this amazing look, but those who can ...

Frida Giannini at Gucci, the Tea Room is impressed. You managed to take your homage to the 1950's and make it look hot. We would love to see this look (center photo) at the Teen Choice Awards; a little retro sex would go a long way!

Versace's flowing white gown proves that despite the fact the leader of the free (fashion) world dresses like a drag queen, she is more than capable of dressing a Media Whore. This dress is hot, but comes with a warning: it requires the body to match.

WHAT WAS NOT...

photo credits: Giuseppe Cacace/Getty Images/Getty Images/Giuseppe Cacace

As a good friend of the Tea Room once said so elequently, these ladies couldn't get laid in a whorehouse!

The pink Max Mara saran wrap has about as much sex appeal as Britney Spears' limo-departing crotch shot;

Apparently Roberto Cavalli's purple frock with matching purse is creating a frenzy among under-five 'Eloise' readers;

Prada, in emerald & channeling 'Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves,' is hoping it can create the UGLIEST ensembles on the planet so people will focus only on their shoes ...

& Fendi (at bottom) JUST WENT POSTAL!

Media Whores, if you DON'T want to be photographed, you will do well with these looks. Though, by definition, that would cause you to relinquish your title as Media Whore. Not much of a dilemma, is it?

Lele Knitwear Trunk Show in Tribeca

Though She Gets A Ton of Work...

KEEP SCROLLING DOWN...

Do Not Try This At Home

Yes, Media Whores are supposed to be impossibly thin; they are not supposed to be skeletal. This is model Lily Donaldson. Clearly, she is quite happy striking this concentration-camp-in-a-gown pose, simply unaware that this is the opposite of sexy/slutty.

The Tea Room hates to make a joke of another Media Whore's sickness, but we are hoping that her agent suggest that her runway and print jobs keep her ribs covered from now on...

Always Be Ready For Your Close-up

TMZ/Wenn

The Tea Room offers you, Courtney Love, our Media Whore Word Of The Day: ELECTROLYSIS

Reincarnation in Milan

fashionweekdaily.com

Think you know who that is talking to Andre Leon Talley, Marisa Tomei and Anna Wintour? First the Tea Room thought it was a sickly Isabella Rossellini, but we were wrong. Then we thought it was that old editor at Italian Vogue... but again, wrong.

Though the guest in question appears to be well over 50, and appears to have command of Anna & Marisa's attention (in contrast to Andre, who is desperately seeking to escape), this mystery gal is in fact an estranged Hollywood uber-nymph who has carefully re-emerged in Europe this week.

Who is it, you ask?

It's Winona Ryder!

The odd grouping was waiting for the Alberta Ferreti show, which the Tea Room hears had extra security backstage in honor of madam sticky fingers...

Happening Now: Men's Fashion in Milan

Reuters/Alessandro Garafolo
D.W. really really really wants the purple Byblos blazer. Why, you ask? It's simple. She needs to dress in the berry hue for son's Sunday morning Pop Warner football games, and has been having a really really really difficult time coming up with something team-spirited yet Media Whore-stylish. Purple Byblos blazer fits the bill, and D.W. is betting dollars & donuts that favorite Media Whore attending Milan Fashion Week (you know who you are) will hunt down blazer in kind.

Girbaud Strikes a Pose

M + F Girbaud Men's Spring/Summer Collection

I.M. is pining for the springy jumper at bottom.

It reminds I.M. of "Ocean's Eleven" when pint-sized Chinese Circus Performer was able to penetrate Las Vegas super-vault by using incredible flips, turns and bodily contortions.

Pint-sized Chinese Circus Performer (PSCCP) stunts were the reason Ocean & his crew made away with millions & millions of dollars (the exact number of millions escapes us, but it was a lot).

I.M. is thinking that he can immitate PSCCP and use this Girbaud ensemble to perform his own stunts and HOP ON BACK TO N.Y.!! (I.M., you might need to do a little gymnastics training too).

Fright Night

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The leader of the free (fashion) world dresses like this. It's hard to believe but it's true. Here's Donatella Versace showing up to the New York Times Style party for Milan Fashion Week. It is wayyy to easy for the Tea Room to be judgemental here. So instead, we will try to be positive, look on the bright side, etc.

1. It's amazing how her spray tan glows in the dark of the eve, isn't it? It shows off her over-peroxided hair brilliantly, and reinforces the notion that even if you look like you're over 60, you should avoid the real sun in hopes of one day looking 30.
2. Black is the new black, so why not use the staple of all black clothing items - black spandex? Pair it with a waist-cinching leather tank and voila - Milan never thought black could be so daring. Good choice Donatella.
3. Why smile when you've had so much tragedy in life? From the death of her beloved brother, to the anorexic dramas of her daughter, life has been no picnic for La D. Look on face demonstrates that perfectly.
4. Speaking of smiles, Donatella's lips have been plumped to such lusciousness that rumor has it Lisa Rinna is jealous. Wow Donatella, Lisa Rinna is jealous! We thought there was no way the self-loving "Dancing With the Stars" contestant could ever look away from the mirror long enough to pine for even bigger kissers. Way to go!

This Doesn't Bode Well For the Movie

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More disgarded Rachel Atwell for Shabby Chic fabric is on the loose! Quick, someone get to the set of "Sex & The City: The Movie" with scissors and start cutting hems and necklines pronto! Where is the sex appeal here? We thought we'd seen the last of the dowdy duds the other day ...

I.M. Fall Wish Wants

John Bartlett.
Photo: Marcio Madeira

John Bartlett.
Photo: Marcio Madeira

Andrew Buckler.
Photo: Buckler.





D&G.
Photo: Marcio Madeira

Magically Delicious

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D.W. came into the Tea Room a few weeks ago, reporting first hand on a Bruce sighting at her good friend Sparkle Karen's beach club in Sea Bright, NJ. Apparently his new album 'Magic' isn't the only thing that rocks! Sparkle Karen enjoyed a few moments by the water with the Boss of all Media Whores before he disappeared like, you guessed it, magic!

When he's not at the beach, Bruce has been practicing for his upcoming October tour in Asbury Park to a small, select audience.. Thanks to our frequent visits to Asbury, we have learned a few juicy tidbits: First, he's moving the release of 'Magic' up to Oct. 2nd... and second, the album has such buzz around it, the Tea Room hears that it's a top contender for the 2008 GRAMMY Awards 'Album of the Year,' which despite the Boss' 15 GRAMMY Awards, has eluded him. Remember, the upcoming GRAMMYs are the 50th Anniversary of the awards - a musical Media Whore's dream! Anniversaries are hot right now (think GQ, Valentino). Bruce is hot right now. Look for them to combine the two heated sources for one incredible night.

So Close, And Yet So Far...

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Here's Mariah out for an evening in New York. When you look at the top half of the photo, you think, 'Who is that fabulous Media Whore?' Hair is loose and flowing, Dior sunglassess are movie-star glam, ta-tas are half exposed and the jacket is super hot. But then you look below the waist and you think, 'Jeez, it's Mariah Carey!' The spandex gives it away.

Why do this to yourself Mariah? Why do you have such a self-destructive nature? Is it too hard to have your assistant pull out a nice pair of Habituals or even a simple Chloe mini? Please get your bottom half out of Mott Haven ...

Patricia Field Where Are You?

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Sarah Jessica Parker and Kristin Davis on Park Av. set for "Sex and the City: The Movie"

Yes, the Tea Room will convene to watch this movie when it comes out. The Whoreishness of Carrie and Samantha somehow outweighs the supreme annoyingness of Charlotte and Miranda. Let's hope that the outfit we see on Carrie here is one of the few scenes in which she's not half-naked, for Pat Field's slutty ensembles comprise the only charm that this Media Whore brings to the big and small screen!

Back to London Fashion Week

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Oh boy, Stella McCartney for Adidas you really outdid yourself. Your past few collections have hinted to mild depression; the Tea Room is thinking that daddy Paul's breakup with the Limp Triscuit didn't cheer you up the way we'd been thinking it would. This collection is screaming for you to run to Dr. Shmelkin & up that Prozac prescription. The Tea Room associates Adidas with happy gangsters, not babes who avoid sunlight like the plague & wear their Stella Macartney frocks to the beach only during the cover of night. Notice that even the people who appear to be in the front row are turned away in horror...

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Here comes Rachel Atwell's disgarded Shabby Chic fabric! Looks like Asprey hit the paylode when Rachel started closing her home furnishing stores and unloaded her chintz for pennies. What the heck is this? The poor model actually looks PISSED. We would be too if we spent an entire month starving for Fashion Week only to be shoved into a frock that would be loose on Rosie O'Donnell. The Tea Room will pay cold hard cash to anyone who can find an actual living buyer who thinks this silhouette has a chance in hell of becoming a retail hit.

Getty Images

This came down the runway at the Biba show in London.

Sing along Media Whores:

Oh Lord, won't you buy me, a real fucking dress. Designers are nut jobs, I have to confess. I've worked hard all my lifetime, to look like my best. So oh Lord, won't you buy me, a real fucking dress.

U-G-L-Y You Ain't Got No Alibi You're Ugly!

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London, can you hear us? Probably not because we are speechless. Please study this look because it is completely anti-Media Whore. From the tip of her expressionless dead head, down the torso of her ugly shift, down further to the ace bandage on her leg & ending at her bare feet, we are so confused with the message here. Where is the sluttiness? The in-your-face glamour? Are you too cool Osman Yousefzada to make chicks pretty? The Tea Room would rather make like Muslims and dress in long black dresses and burkas than be caught in this ode to an asylum.

Coming Up For Air

NY Post/Splash News

After looking at all of that British dreg, the Tea Room is relieved to see this couldn't-be-anything-but-American photo of Jessica Simpson during the filming of her new movie "Major Movie Star." In this thoughtful cinematic tour de force, Jessica plays movie star-turned-army-brat Megan Starr. Our hats are off to you Jess. To be able to parlay your own life into a movie where you are the star ... your life is but a dream!

Alicia Silverstone Ups Her Slut Factor

The Tea Room says Good job Media Whore! Alicia followed Media Whore Rule #1 when agreeing to do this ad for PETA; she Upped Her Slut Factor by taking off all her clothes. This works beautifully for the campaign because a) we love seeing naked Media Whores and b) Alicia is not the obvious choice for someone willing to bare it all. The unexpectedness makes you look for an extra second.

By the way, this commercial is banned in Houston.

Houston, you have a problem!

Go Away!!!

Is anyone else SICK TO DEATH of seeing Angelina, Brad & Maddox go about their daily business? Why the heck did they come back from Africa anyway? The Tea Room rarely gets sick of high paid Media Whores, but looking at this trio is akin to watching paint dry. We honestly think we'd be be bored even if they both showed up to Maddox's preschool and started humping in the parking lot. Listen up Brad & Angie: You either need to cheat on each other and break up or adopt a baby with two heads to make us interested again.

You Just Can't Make This Shit Up

Jada got her hands on Will after the premiere of "The Kingdom."

Pimp My Suit

Conversation between Will Smith & Jada Pinkett Smith before she headed out to "The Kingdom" premiere:

WILL: Baby, I know you gonna really hurt me for sayin' this, but are you wearing that to the premiere?

JPS: (just stares at him)

WILL: Baby, I'm just sayin', it kinda looks like you auditioning for the "Ooompa Loompas In Space" movie.

JPS: Ya think? (wishing she owned a semi-automatic weapon to blow Will's brains out)

WILL: Yeah, I do. Why don't you wear one of those smokin' dresses with the middle cut out that shows off your six pack?

JPS: Why don't you fuck yourself and find someone else to go to the premiere with, cause this Oompa Loompa is goin' alone.

WILL: OK sugar bug.

Hey Bets: Red Rules!

Kathryn Morris, Queen Latifah & Ali Larter

The Tea Room has learned that a large fundraiser, in the form of a Valentine's Ball, is in the works for Charley's Fund. For those of you who don't know, Charley's Fund is an extraordinary grassroots organization that supports research for a cure for Duchenne muscular distrophy, the #1 genetic killer of children worldwide. The Tea Room is hoping that organizers of the event will take a page from these sizzling Emmy Media Whores and mandate black-tie/red gown attire for the event! For more information about Charley's Fund please visit www.charleysfnd.org.

Grey's Anatomy-turned-Private Practice-star Kate Walsh