MILAN WRAP-UP: WHAT WAS HOT

photo credits: FirstView/FirstView/FirstView/Giuseppe Cacace


Emporio Armani's transparent man-trap (top left) could be this spring's Media Whore Moment. Think Liz Hurley in the safety-pin dress. She who dares to wear may see her career skyrocket overnight...

Our faaaaaaavorite collection in Milan was DSquared. This white trapeze mini dress (top right) outfitted with chain and crystal embellishments gets us very excited about next spring. There are few among us who can dare to wear this amazing look, but those who can ...

Frida Giannini at Gucci, the Tea Room is impressed. You managed to take your homage to the 1950's and make it look hot. We would love to see this look (center photo) at the Teen Choice Awards; a little retro sex would go a long way!

Versace's flowing white gown proves that despite the fact the leader of the free (fashion) world dresses like a drag queen, she is more than capable of dressing a Media Whore. This dress is hot, but comes with a warning: it requires the body to match.

WHAT WAS NOT...

photo credits: Giuseppe Cacace/Getty Images/Getty Images/Giuseppe Cacace

As a good friend of the Tea Room once said so elequently, these ladies couldn't get laid in a whorehouse!

The pink Max Mara saran wrap has about as much sex appeal as Britney Spears' limo-departing crotch shot;

Apparently Roberto Cavalli's purple frock with matching purse is creating a frenzy among under-five 'Eloise' readers;

Prada, in emerald & channeling 'Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves,' is hoping it can create the UGLIEST ensembles on the planet so people will focus only on their shoes ...

& Fendi (at bottom) JUST WENT POSTAL!

Media Whores, if you DON'T want to be photographed, you will do well with these looks. Though, by definition, that would cause you to relinquish your title as Media Whore. Not much of a dilemma, is it?

Reincarnation in Milan

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Think you know who that is talking to Andre Leon Talley, Marisa Tomei and Anna Wintour? First the Tea Room thought it was a sickly Isabella Rossellini, but we were wrong. Then we thought it was that old editor at Italian Vogue... but again, wrong.

Though the guest in question appears to be well over 50, and appears to have command of Anna & Marisa's attention (in contrast to Andre, who is desperately seeking to escape), this mystery gal is in fact an estranged Hollywood uber-nymph who has carefully re-emerged in Europe this week.

Who is it, you ask?

It's Winona Ryder!

The odd grouping was waiting for the Alberta Ferreti show, which the Tea Room hears had extra security backstage in honor of madam sticky fingers...

Happening Now: Men's Fashion in Milan

Reuters/Alessandro Garafolo
D.W. really really really wants the purple Byblos blazer. Why, you ask? It's simple. She needs to dress in the berry hue for son's Sunday morning Pop Warner football games, and has been having a really really really difficult time coming up with something team-spirited yet Media Whore-stylish. Purple Byblos blazer fits the bill, and D.W. is betting dollars & donuts that favorite Media Whore attending Milan Fashion Week (you know who you are) will hunt down blazer in kind.

Girbaud Strikes a Pose

M + F Girbaud Men's Spring/Summer Collection

I.M. is pining for the springy jumper at bottom.

It reminds I.M. of "Ocean's Eleven" when pint-sized Chinese Circus Performer was able to penetrate Las Vegas super-vault by using incredible flips, turns and bodily contortions.

Pint-sized Chinese Circus Performer (PSCCP) stunts were the reason Ocean & his crew made away with millions & millions of dollars (the exact number of millions escapes us, but it was a lot).

I.M. is thinking that he can immitate PSCCP and use this Girbaud ensemble to perform his own stunts and HOP ON BACK TO N.Y.!! (I.M., you might need to do a little gymnastics training too).

Fright Night

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The leader of the free (fashion) world dresses like this. It's hard to believe but it's true. Here's Donatella Versace showing up to the New York Times Style party for Milan Fashion Week. It is wayyy to easy for the Tea Room to be judgemental here. So instead, we will try to be positive, look on the bright side, etc.

1. It's amazing how her spray tan glows in the dark of the eve, isn't it? It shows off her over-peroxided hair brilliantly, and reinforces the notion that even if you look like you're over 60, you should avoid the real sun in hopes of one day looking 30.
2. Black is the new black, so why not use the staple of all black clothing items - black spandex? Pair it with a waist-cinching leather tank and voila - Milan never thought black could be so daring. Good choice Donatella.
3. Why smile when you've had so much tragedy in life? From the death of her beloved brother, to the anorexic dramas of her daughter, life has been no picnic for La D. Look on face demonstrates that perfectly.
4. Speaking of smiles, Donatella's lips have been plumped to such lusciousness that rumor has it Lisa Rinna is jealous. Wow Donatella, Lisa Rinna is jealous! We thought there was no way the self-loving "Dancing With the Stars" contestant could ever look away from the mirror long enough to pine for even bigger kissers. Way to go!